Dear Diary,

Time sure flies when you’re working – even when all your ‘work’ consists of is sitting at your desk, answering some calls, opening the mail, sending some mail, running errands and spending a large chunk of the time watching videos on the Internet. One day unfolds into the next with amazing rapidity. It is a very monotonous existence for the first four days of the week. Then, Friday befalls and anticipation for the weekend slowly builds up. Thus far, I’ve been very happily leading a stress-free life – a little boring, but I’m not complaining. D and I try to meet as much as possible. There is a very high possibility that I beginning to love him even more than before. We are a little over one year old now, and there is this very easy familiarity between us. But things aren’t dull – no. I still feel thrilled when he says sweet things to me. I still feel incredibly happy when he holds my hand. I still feel blessed to be able to lay my head on his shoulder, the crook of his neck. Most of all, I feel absolutely thankful for the mere knowledge that he is my shelter from all things horrid. The holidays have been a very lazy one – lots of going out aside from the work. I don’t ever want this to end. I don’t want school to start, the work load to pile up, the stress to build. I love this temporary lazy existence. This long break has got to be the best part of university. I am so going to look forward to each of the three such breaks coming up in the years to come. Life is beautiful now and I am loving every minute of it – just thought I should let you know. I need to write this down so that even when such a perfect moment fades from my memory, I am always able to scour through my entries to relive it. I hope I’m not jinxing things but writing this down!!

Love always,

WY

I'm really not supposed to be writing now... but I just need some place to pour out my insignificant thoughts. Something's brewing within the company. My boss's employment just got terminated (brutally, I must say). The new office that has been at the centre of our attention for the past few weeks doesn't look as if it is going to materialise. Renovations and all have grinded to a halt for the next 48 hours. I think I just got a taste of how merciless and cut throat the commercial world can be. Anybody can be axed, no matter how senior your role. When I came into the office today, there was still a semblance of normality. But as the morning unfolded, I gradually found out about the major changes that were to be made. People that were supposed to come are not anymore, people that are here, for all I know, might be leaving. And I'll be all alone in the office... which may be a good (but lonely) thing. I'm almost getting used to this solitude, behind the high partitions and the screen of my laptop. I'm SO glad for the laptop. I'd have no idea how I'd pass time without it. Youtube is such a good creation. Perhaps staying in the current office may be a blessing in disguise. I'm just getting used to this small compact office and my little cosy (okay fine messy) seat. I can't believe my boss is gone and that today is the last I'll see of him. He's been nice. I didn't warm to him at first because I didn't quite know how to communicate with him... but I must say he's been quite patient and approachable. For me, having a senior ranked person be friendly is the mark of a true leader. Away with all the snobbery and the I-am-so-busy-I've-no-time-to-even-know-your-name crap! But I guess people come and go in your life. So, James is one of them. My stay here has certainly been an experience. It  opened my eyes to how a multi-national company works. I wonder how my boss J must be feeling right now. To be left without a job all of a sudden. Did he see it coming? I didn't... but then I'm just a small fry.. what do I know? But given his experience and qualifications, he just might find a better job. Who knows what life has in store? But I must say... this instability is very scary.

Hi, it's me. I've been having some money woes lately or to put it more simply - I AM FLAT BROKE!! I've found my temp job at a logistics company. In fact, I've been there for three weeks. I've gotten one week's pay so far. My tuition money the previous month was used up in a flash. I had to pay my sis back the money that I had borrowed to finance my Sentosa trip :( The feeling of being broke is not nice at all. It's always good to have some excess. I hate it when I can't use my ATM card because I've too little money in my account. I really need to plan my finances now. Even without frivolous spending, I am finding myself in need of moolah. SIGH.

Grr.. It's so damn annoying how you keep sending in resumes for a stupid temp job but never seem to be able to land your hand on a single one. I really wonder how recruitment companies work. They post so many offers online making it seemingly easy to get these jobs... but they don't get back to you at all. So you're left hanging. Sigh. I am constantly not in the mood to read or write or do anything of any remote use. All I seem to be doing is lazing around. I want a job! AH! Please let a temp job find me. :(

I just rewatched the film Little Miss Sunshine and my second time watching made me re-affirm my belief that this is probably one of the most sincere, heartfelt and poignant films of all time. Just seeing little Olive Hoover with her round little tummy sticking out as she runs about, naively oblivious to the harsh reality that awaits her, and the valiant way in which each family member tries to shield this precious naivety from being shattered, reaches inside you and tugs at your heartstrings. There's no question about it - this family is eccentric and all sorts of riproaring, insanely embarrassing, outlandishly awkward things ensue. But the best thing of all is the way that they stick together throughout the great and the embarrassing, the ups and the downs. This film shines because it shows plainly that being family is about sticking together even when failure is staring at you right in your face.

I had a disagreement with the boyfriend today. He wanted me to join him in taking up this promoting job at a fair. I refused him straightaway without giving it much thought at all. I am not being elitist. I just don't understand the need to put myself through such hard work when the financial returns I get are measly. I can get the same amount with an office job in which I don't have to sweat it out. He claimed it would be a good experience and I should open myself up to such experiences instead of rejecting them immediately. These would go to making me a more confident, outspoken individual, he says. I was adamant in saying no. And then he grew silent on me.

I was crushed. This wasn't supposed to be happening. We weren't supposed to be quarrelling again after our pact not to. His not talking to me, walking apart from me, leaving me guessing what I had said wrong, done wrong once again - if it was my actions, my language or my tone that angered him this time. To me, everything I said or did came naturally and I became instantly fearful that what I did somehow angered him. The stress of it all - the quarrelling, the uncertainty I was feeling about myself - overwhelmed me and the ducts opened and the tears flowed.

The boyfriend reached over to where I was sitting beside him in the cinema and wiped the tears off my face with his hands and explained to me why he did what he did. He gave the most silly apolegetic look in the world and instantly, everything was alright again.

I just wish we wouldn't fight so often. He says this isn't fighting, this is sorting things out. I hope so. I am going to work hard at making this work, even if it means compromising at times. I want to become a better person in order to make us work.  

and just so you know, I really like how the bf smells hehehe

Something's not right with Dad. I can feel it. Something's brewing. My father's been acting all sorts of weird. For the past two days, it feels to me as if he has stopped communicating with us altogether and is retreating into a shell of his own. Every attempt to strike up some form of casual conversation is brought down because every answer seems to be brusque and disinterested. All this is taking its toll on Mom. We don't know what's wrong with Dad. It is breaking my heart to see Dad behaving like that and even more so to see Mom so troubled over it. What's happening? Within days, Dad has transformed into this totally distant person. Could it be mid-life crisis? Do people even really have those? Dad can't go silent on us. It's not fair, especially to Mom. It's frustrating and exhausting to those around us. What can Daddy's reasons be? What is the root of the problem? I really want to know. I really want this trying period to be over. I want my family to be happy again. I need to talk to somebody about this, about Dad. My second sister could sense that there was something wrong as well, but she's not here now - she's away at Cambodia on holiday with Andy. I need to discuss this with her. She's always been my rock, my advisor, my role model. But she's not here. My big sister is here, but she isn't aware of what's happening. She was ill and then she has been so swamped with her work that I think she doesn't sense the change in Dad. Mom says not to tell her about it. My little brother seems to be oblivious to all this as well. So it seems like for now, there's just me. I so badly want to see Mom happy. Dad's strange behaviour is affecting her and I wish he would just become normal again.

Sometimes, I don't know how to meet Dad's demands. This is the first week of my hols and already, Dad's been nagging at me not to come home late. Sure, I understand his concern, so I come home before 11 each night that I go out. But then that's not quite early enough for him. I also made it a point to stay home for 2 whole days this week because I thought that this might appease him, put him in a better mood. But it hasn't so far, in my opinion. It's hard to make Dad happy. I'm already trying. The way he is behaving is like a guessing game. We - me and mom - have to constantly guess why and who he's mad at. I am not happy at how he's acting. If he has anything he is unhappy about, he should let us know about it, instead of keeping sullenly silent. For the past two days, Dad's face has been grim and unsmiling. His tone with us has been curt and sharp. It's been just terrible.

I have never been exceptionally close to Dad. It's a failing on my part. Maybe I should have taken more effort. But ever since I was young, Daddy was always a figure of fear. Dad loves us, but he only shows his love in subtle ways. At dinner, he eats those parts of the dishes we don't like and save the best for us. He's always willing to drop whatever he is doing to pick us up from the bus interchange. But Dad can be very strict as well, with regards to spending money etc. The narrowed eye look he gives you can be downright frightening. The person he is harshest towards is probably Mom and sometimes I wish it wasn't like that. Mom always ends up suffering from the brunt of things from shielding us and that sucks.

Sigh. I hope I'm not making Dad out to be some sort of baddy. He's really a very good Dad, but his current behaviour is just leaving me baffled... and tired. Maybe I'm not being good enough a daughter. Maybe I'm being too impatient with Dad, not waiting for his reason before getting so exasperated. But I hate what all this is doing to Mom. Should I step up to ask Dad straight out? What if I screw things up? Should I wait it out?

I guess we'll just take it as it comes. Tomorrow's a brand new day and who knows? Maybe the old Dad will make his appearance once more. I am really pining for him... Daddy...

I am still struggling, still hanging on... the exam period is NOT over. It'll be over soon, but not yet. When you're close to the end, time slows down and it becomes especially excruciating. Gee, I am not exactly a role model for all those loving your books, having a passion for studying and all that schnazz. I can't wait, can't wait to be done with exams! Then i'll be off to the little island (is it an island?) of Phuket and get all set for three days of relaxation with just about my favourite person in the world! I used to think that between us, I gave more into the relationship. Then, we had a big quarrel over some silly thing and I really sat back and thought. Hard. And then, KABOOM, it suddenly strikes me right in the face that I have been the demanding one all along, always nit-picking at the smallest things, picking quarrels, making a big fuss out of nothing at all. And through all this, the bf has always been there hearing me out, withstanding my unreasonable behaviour and sharp words, never failing to trash things out with me, no matter how long it takes. The bf had been giving... and all along, it was me who wasn't seeing it. 

Exams have taken a toll on us. I've been cooped up at home -trying- to mug and so we haven't been spending much time together at all. I can't wait for 8 May to come and then the fun can begin. Meanwhile, back to criminal law I go (Inchoate Offences: Attempts) :(

As you grow up, this utmost trust you have in adults as being all-knowing inevitably fades away, the wall of complete trust slowly tears down. You don't believe it, but you almost begin to disagree with what adults do and think. My grandma has come to stay with us. She's diabetic. For a period of time, she was really, really ill and lost an unbelievable amount of weight. Now she's better, gained weight and healthier all round. My aunt keeps her on a strict diet - which is good for her given her condition. But sometimes, I get the feeling like she treats my grandma as a naughty kid who has to be watched closely. When she came over yesterday, we talked about my grandma's condition and when I (stupidly) mentioned that my grandma's appetite had decreased in size, she paused, gave me a knowing look and all but winked at me and said that my grandma had secrets. I instantly felt repulsed. I am on my mother's camp here. My mom's philosphy is that - my grandma is old and gaining in years - while her diet has to be controlled, she should be allowed to eat anything she really wants to. After all, my mom contends, she's in her late years, why restrict her to do anything she truly desires to do/eat?

My grandma's here with her helper, Delia. It's kind of awkard having a stranger in the house, but then, Delia seems like quite a nice person. She seems to be getting along pretty well with my grandmama and that's sufficient for me to like her. I don't like to use the term "maid". It feels as though she's in a lower class. Somehow, I'm particularly sensitive about these class matters, maybe too much so.

There's nothing much to say on this very hot, very humid Wednesday afternoon, so I guess it's back to work.